My grandmother, chinamma, to me she is a great soul, a karma yogi, I have heard and read of a soul, but I haven’t understood or experienced the soul or soulful experience until just before two days of my grandmothers’ death; of course even after her death, she is almost 94 years old when she died; as soon as she died, the guilt in me started paining me like anything, I couldn’t bear, and I felt that I would grow out of it only by the help of my grandmother;
I had a such a great attachment with my grandmother, the same was true to my grandmother, as she had lost her husband (my grandfather), when my father was in womb, since then, she fell into dilemma and started experiencing duality of mind which leads to insecurity and uncertainty; in order to make her life secure, she had the only option was my father, with whom she had developed such an attachment that I cannot describe in words which went well until the marriage of my father; Naturally my father had to share his love with my mother after the marriage, of course my father had to balance both of them, but the solution to this problem was found by my birth, my grandmother started finding a hope in me and wished that I would give her the security she wanted which she had got before my fathers’ marriage, that is how the attachment between my grandmother and me developed; my grandmother is a great story teller, especially the way she narrates orally is almost like listening to harikatha or burrakatha; she used to tell wonderful stories including epics like Mahabharata and Ramayana. In addition to all these things, she used to tell how she struggled to bring up my father and expressed her present insecurity to me. I really couldn’t understand the innate wish of my grandmother but knowingly or unknowingly I tried to comfort her by giving hope and made her happy at the moment. Later I had to move to other places for my higher studies, which again started creating a kind of insecurity in her mind, she longed for it for her whole life, I understood for the first time how a woman or someone who is economically and emotionally dependent longs for love and security… trying to secure herself either by god or by someone nearest to her, of course it depends on the mercy of the nearest one. As I said above, my father loves her more than me, I knew it very well, he was the one who had been with her whenever she fell ill, of course until her death. I could say they are inseparable….
As the years passed on, I started developing a kind of detachment, because of my indulgence in career development and in reaching my goals. Often I started feeling a kind of guilt that I was not able to keep the promises given to my grandmother. She understood it very clearly and started living indifferently or nonchalantly, or by leaving everything to god. Sometimes she used to mention about death, “death can happen in seconds, and we truly live in that moment, else everything is Maya by god” I really didn’t understand the meaning at that time…. Later I understood that the duality of the mind is such it can never allow one to live truthfully to the moment until one indulges in such an act that equals the moment of death.
January 5th 2008, I received a call from my father, that my grandmother fell seriously ill… I rushed to my native place, she talked to me and advised me to marry as soon as possible, hoping that she could witness and bless me. But I had my own indulgences, intentions, and felt that I couldn’t marry in the near future, which I couldn’t explain it to my grandmother. Of course, everyone in my family insisted me to marry. but I out rightly rejected the idea. Besides, my grandmother had another wish that she requested me many times to take her to laksminarasimha swamy temple in kadiri, who is our domestic god, which she hadn’t visited at least once. Neither could I marry nor could I take her to the temple or nor could I keep the promises given to her. My father kept all his promises and looked after her in such a way, that he used to sleep in the room of my grand mother for six months to take care of her in the night in case of any physical help.
January 7th I left for the city to attend my duties, I bid adieu to my grandmother, she advised the same as I mentioned above by taking my hand into hers. That was my last speech with my grandmother, I didn’t anticipate it though she is almost in death bed, because she used to feel often and often, hence I thought that she could recover again, I told her that I would come again in a week to assure her, but it was a lie that I couldn’t return in a week, as I had taken many leaves in that month… it’s just an assurance to her so that she could feel better… I don’t know whether she must have recognized the usual lies of me, but just remained silent while I was leaving…
I left for Hyderabad by bus from my native place.. I started feeling guilty while moving in the bus and reminding my grandmother’s attachment with me, after a while, I gradually fall into sleep, that is where I had had dream, in which my grandmother wearing white sari standing at big white wall beside the river in a crowded holy place, looking for someone, and then my father came and give her some food… the atmosphere is hazy, holy, cloudy, beside the river, as everyone seemed to have worn white sarries… as soon as I woke up from the dream… I felt that I was distancing myself from my grandmother…. But I didn’t take it seriously…
Juanuary 9, I received a call from my sister who had been there for some days told me that my grandmother died around 11:00 clock… during my journey to my native place to attend the funeral is not about retrospection or memories of her but about my guilt that I couldn’t keep up the promises…. Even after coming back from the funeral, for that matter I suffered for the whole year… I visited the narasimha swamy temple and prayed god to help me come out of the guiltiness… of course nobody could console my father…
After a year, I married, after 11 months, my wife, for that matter everyone expected a baby boy, but I was blessed with a girl child’ I felt who is none other than my grandmother…I was relieved of my guilt and when I saw my grandmother in death bed, she wanted to live every moment and still deeply longing for life… I read somewhere that if one had a strong desire to exist or live, one can survive for sometime or can born again…I don’t want to know whether it is true or lie…I came to conclusion that my grandmother was born in my family again as my daughter….
Love has such a bond that it has no boundaries of time and space or love cannot be confined by time and space…it is all pervasive…. It gives us an experience of all the worlds created by god….
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